yesterday was one of the hardest days in this whole big mess… first i apologize to him because i blew up on him last weekend. i say “look im sorry for blowing up on you the other day its just hard for me after two years to just pick up and forget everything that we ever went through. i thought i would give you your space and give myself time to get over you. i honestly thought that if you had space and time there would still be a chance for us but i guess now im realizing theres not.” then you know what he has to say to that? ” its cool but no chance sorry” i could have cried right then and there but i was with my mom and i couldnt let her know how upset i was. i said “i know ive realized that. your totally over me and im just a pathetic loser who thinks that she still has a chance with her exboyfriend…” i was crushed. then i tried to take my mind off of it and went to hang out with my friends… it was actually kinda working until i get a call from my friend who went to the movies… guess who she ran into? HIM with HER… on a date… i guess thats just the way its supposed to be. im suffering here and hes moving on to one of my supposal friends. that just kills me and i cant help but think why he would ever do that to me after all we went through all the hard times we had to work out. i offically lost all hope for ever being happy. i cant be happy when im not with him… i cant do it. why do i have to realize that he was probably lying to me when he told me he loved me all those times… its like it was just routine for him…i cant help but think that we arent ment to be with each other cause i know we are. i think we were put with each other because we could help each other through all those sad times when you just needed to cry with someone and if my thinking is right then why are we going through all of this? i know that im not done needing help and i now for a fact that hes not…yes i knew we were going to break up but i didnt think it would be this soon or i would be this unhappy when it happened. i thought we would decide together so we could date other people and make sure we were ment to be with each other… not the way this happened. when you love someone you cant just stop in a matter of weeks it takes time to fall in and out of love. it took me two years to be totally in love and now im not even supposed to love this person cause when you love your supposed to be with another person not alone waiting for that person to come back or leave you hanging for the rest of time… on thursday it will have been a month since we broke up and that day will probably be one of the hardest…! i have so many questions to ask him and if i ever get a chance to that will make things so much better. i want to now all the reasons he really broke up with me… maybe it got too serious… but if that is true then why did he pressure me to get that serious… he always wanted me to be more into the relationship, he wanted me to put him first, he wanted to be the one for me and he always told me that and when it eventually got that way he turned around and changed his mind… if he didnt want to be serious anymore then why didnt he just tell me that? why did he make me suffer so much? if all of that is true then why did he tell me he just didnt love me anymore instead of the truth? why? why? why? if anyone has advice for me please give it cause im soo confused!!!
xo Anna
… i dont know what to say September 10, 2007
what ive realized… August 22, 2007
people do stupid things… people may not mean to purposely hurt you, but when they do it just kills you inside. especially when that person is the one you love and thought cared about you. after they’ve broken your heart into a million pieces and then stepped on them to crush you more. what the hell are you supposed to do about their actions. they make their own choices on what they think is right, it may turn out to be the wrong choice in the end but, you cant controll them you cant spend your day thinking and trying to believe that they will realize what they’ve done to you the pain that they’ve put you through. it hurts you the most when your friends say that your setting your self up for another let down and you dont believe them… hes changed i promise you always say (the exact words that came from my mouth!) and then when they are right you knew you should have listened to the people who really care… the ones who really do love you and not just think it. im not just pointing my fingers at someone in particular im saying it to all the guys out there who have ever hurt or even made a girl cry over them… every girl has feelings. even if shes fat and ugly and entirely nerdy, or maybe shes mean and bullies people but every girl deserves to be loved by someone in ther life. love is a beautiful thing and i thought i had it once but now i dont even know whats real or whats not. all any girl ever wants is for someone to love her and care about her, someone to hold her while she cries, someone to listen to her when shes upset with what ever is going on in her life, someone who wants to be apart of their life and never let go, someone to think about when their having a bad day and when you think of that person all the sadness goes away for a few seconds. i know that because i thought i had experienced that but maybe it was me dreaming or imagining that thats really what was felt towards me. im taking into my understanding that everyone makes mistakes and nobodys perfect but when a any girl cries for days over a guy that has just torn her apart.. trust me maybe thats your way of realizing that hes not right for you… if hes hurt you so bad that you cant concentrate in school or listen to what your friends have to say when their talking to you but your just pretending to listen when your really thinking… how could i be so supid to let this happen to me.. how could i have let myself get this far and just tossed off a cliff in two seconds flat. no one deserves to be with someone that doesnt want to be with them… its just not fair. people change and good qualities come and go with that change, but you can try to stop those bad changes from happening. just be yourself not what other people want you too be… that alone will take you where your ment to be, to the people who care about you from whats on the inside, not your apperence. today has been a hard day for me and i have realized that people put others down when they are suffering themselves. talk to the ones you can trust it will get you farther than you think. i have learned that by putting others down it doent help you feel better so just dont do it. BE YOUR SELF!
xo Anna
these say whats on my mind… August 20, 2007
I gotta say what’s on my mind.
Something about us, doesn’t seem right… these days.
Life keeps getting in the way.
Whenever we try,
somehow the plan is always rearranged.
It’s so hard to say,
but I gotta do what’s best for me.
You’ll be okay…
I’ve got to move on, and be who I am.
I just don’t belong here,
I hope you understand.
We might find our place in this world someday,
but at least for now,
I gotta go my own way.
Don’t wanna leave it all behind.
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time.
Another color turns to grey.
And it’s just too hard… to watch it all… slowly fade away.
-gabriella… high school musical
