at last… October 24, 2007

i know its been awhile since ive written but ive made alot of new realizations in the past few weeks. ive realized that i can still be his friend, ive realized that he is still the person i once knew deep down and it might take awhile to find it all but its coming back, ive realized that im always gonna have feelings for him… ive also realized that i can date other people and still have fun. he was my first love and im never gonna forget him or the person he made me into. he impacted me more than any other person and i really appreciate him and respect him for the things hes done for me… he may have done somethings that i dont approve of through out the relationship but over all i can say the outcome of all those things ended in a good way. its been more than two months and ive pretty much moved on… i know that i will never ever forget but i have found someone that can make me happy now and maybe one day make me happier than he did. i will always love him even if its deep down and i dont show it anymore… every once in a while ill be around him and miss him alot all of a sudden but thats just the way love works… it stays with you or some part of you forever. i used to think that he was the only one for me and that i was gonna end up with him because he was the only one who could make me fully happy after my dad died. he helped me through and i wouldnt be the same with out him. he actually tought me how to cry and get my feelings out… now ive realized that there are alot of people out there that want to help me and there are alot of poeple out there who really care about me. ive gone through alot in my life already and its just the beginning. i know that theres alot ahead of me and i know that im gonna love again but i dont know when… i found this quote and i think it relates to me in alot of ways “you will never forget your first love. that’s what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensly because you don’t know any different. it’s best until its over. then you hurt like you’ve never been hurt before. Eventually you love again, but you love differently. You will love more carefully and more cautiously. Just know that there is so much more love waiting for you, but there will always only be one FIRST.” that quote describes everything that im feeling…
the thing with love is when you have a boyfriend he tells you he loves you and you say it back but niether of you really mean it at first… its just the beginning of a relationship niether of you are IN LOVE you just say it because thats where you eventually want to get… i thought moving on was gonna be the hardest part of all of this but it wasnt… it was accepting that he was gone and happy with another girl. im moving on and im becoming more and more of my old self and i keep telling myself that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, JUST LET GOD GUIDE YOU.

being the better person… October 5, 2007

Being the better person is so much harder than you think… so this week ive told both of them that i do forgive them but i cant be their friend right now and they have to respect that… i made this decision because in church on sunday they were preaching to us and talking about forgivness and i felt like God was trying to tell me something. i took it ot heart and decided that to be happy i had to forgive so thats what i did.. i forgave and i dont get anything back… not even im sorry too! so i just walked away because i knew i just did the right thing and im the better person. i was thinking today and remember when i said i was holding on to something but i dont know what it is because i dont like him and i dont want him back but im still in love with him… well i figured out what im holding on to. Im holding on to the old Vijay, the one who cared about everyone and never would have thought to be mean… when he was friends with anyone not just the people who will make his status come up and make him more popular. now the only thing that matters is popularity and who can make him be more and more popular… im not trying to sound like a bitch but the vijay that i fell in love with wasnt this cocky and mean… hes using people for their own social status and when theyve done as much as they can for him he leaves them and moves up on the list. i realized that im definatly not in love with the new vijay but the old one is still on my mind and i think the reason i still am in love with him is because i know the old vijay who didnt are what the hell he was wearing or what other peole said about him and who he hangs out with… the one who LOVED me for who i am on the inside not what was just on the outside… thats not him anymore and i think the reason that im mad a HER is because she likes him for the new Vijay not the one i once knew… he doesnt realize that everyone is catching on to his little game and people are starting to realize what i have… hes changed! well i guess realizing this was a good thing because i dont want him anymore cause i know that he has no intentions of going back to what he used to be… hes popular and thats what he thinks is gonna help him the rest of life… oh well!

forgiveness… September 30, 2007

as i was sitting in church today being preached to about forgiveness i started thinking about my situation and how i havent forgiven him for all the pain and suffering he put me through. i decided that to be happy i have to forgive and for me to forgive will be really hard but i feel like its what God was trying to tell me as i was sitting there thinking and praying. so i decided to text him and tell him that i was going tp forgive him for hurting me and that i hope one day we will be able to fill that friendship that was so important to both of us again. i havent gotten a text back and i probably wont but he needed to know that even though i dont want him back i still really care for him and i dont want to lose our friendship. he has impacted my life more than anyone else in this world and now that hes gone i have no one to talk to and no one to cry to… maybe ill find someone to fill that friendship or maybe him and i will become that again one day but i needed to let him know that he is forgiven and i care about him still. everyone deserves a second chance and i guess this is his…
xo Anna

seeimg him and her together… September 30, 2007

so i went to this concert tonight with a bunch of my friends and it was in this neighborhood and i had heard from people that he was gonna be there and he was bringing her… so i was prepared for that and i decided to just go anyway because i needed to show him that i can have fun when im not with him and he needed to know that seeing him with her doesnt make me jealous… it just pisses me off because he thinks that. soo anyway they show up and i go and see his family because im still really close to them… and there they are hugging and being all over each other… i know that i shouldnt care if theyre together but i have to admit… i may not like him anymore but im still in love with him. he was perfect. i dont know what im gonna do right now but im trying to move on. im trying to let him have his space. i just wish that was me instead of her but its not and i cant do anything about it… i just have to go to school and pretend that everythings okay, that i dont care if hes off with some other girl… when really it kills me to even look at them. im so confused with everything… i wonder everynight if he’ll ever come back or if him and i will ever love each other agan or if we wont be friends ever again… so many questions are going through my mind… someone give me advice…i need it!
xo Anna

being done… September 27, 2007

so i wrote him this five and a half page note because for church we had to think of seven people who had impacted our lives the most and tell them and i didnt think i could say it in person so i wrote it to him… i went to his house and gave it to him. i told him what it was and that it meant alot to me. then as i was leaving i texted him and asked him to please call me after he read it so we could talk about it and so it wouldnt be awkward at school and he doesnt have the nerve to call me and be polite to me… at this point i was thinking about just totally being done with him… then when his friend told me that he got on the bus and said that the note was filled with i love you and i want you back i flipped becasue that is the biggest lie ever… the note said that i still loved him but i was moving on and it said that i missed him sometimes but it never ever said one word about me wanting him back… obviously he didnt get the point of the note because he doesnt care about the rest of what i said… about how he impacted my life… now that i think more and more about it i dont want him back after he has treated me like this… i hope that someone lets him know that i dont want him back and that im done being nice to him because hes not being nice to me hes not even respecting the fact that im hurting… i cant do this anymore i cant be the one always getting hurt… i dont think theres even a chance that i would take him back becasue as soon as he comes back and i accept it he’ll tell me that hes changed and hes not gonna treat me like that ever again… that he’s learned form his mistakes and knowing me i would take him back so im telling myself from the start that i dont want him back….ive learned for my past experiences not to trusta aguy when he says that hes changed… thats some advice that im gonna give to all girls… dont always trust guys when they say theyve changed and if you do end up believing them dont jump right back into things… i did both and im not doing it again!!!! trust is really important in all relationships and when guys screw up they should know that heir chances of being trusted by other girs are fadding away… girls will stick together and listen to each others storries about how guys hurt them. girls talk and things get around so f i were a guy i would just try to be honest and dont sya youve changed when you know you really havent!
xo Anna

my theory… September 24, 2007

i have this close friend and the other day we were talking about my situation and we came up with this theory. the theory states that every person in your life that you ever meet or talk to is another piece to your puzzle… and everyone has their own puzzle of life… you know when your doing a puzzle and you finish but theres that one piece thats missing and you have no idea where it could have went. thats me im missing a piece to my puzzle… sometimes you find the piece that your missing again or you find a replacement but you will eventually complete your puzzle. you see ive been thinking alot about what we came up with and it maks so much sense to me now… people come and go and so do those memories of those people. my puzzle wont be completed until i find that piece that i dont really need just want to make me happy. i will find that piece that doesnt nessisarily complete me but it makes the puzzle all fit together…

moving on… September 24, 2007

i think im finally starting to move away from the fact that were done… i think im starting to realize that maybe he did mean it when he told me he loved me, or maybe he really just needed a break from me and all the problems i bring with me… i know deep in the back of my mind that im still waiting for him, its probably a really stupid thing to do cause i know that you should never wait on something that has a chance it might not ever come back…i keep telling myself not to wait on him, i keep telling myself that hes not worth waiting on if he hasnt already realized what hes missing but theres that thing that me and him had that i just cant give up… theres something that im holding on to and i dont really know what it is but i cant give it up. im moving on away from him for awhile and i guess whatever is supposed to happen will happen. if i was ment to be with him then we will eventually get back together but now is not that time… i will date other people and i will probably be really happy with who ever im with but in the back of my mind im still waiting for that THING to return to me and knock me off my feet. i think the reason im waiting is because i know that when hes ready to be serious again he’ll come back to me and we’ll be happy… its just a matter of time and having to date other people in that time. while im dating other people i could totally just forget what me and him had and fall in love with someone else but theres something stopping me from doing that but i havent figured out what that is yet or how to get rid of it. people keep telling me that i dont need him and that i can live without him and theyre right i dont need him and i can live without him but its me having to believe that and right now im trying to let go but i cant… he ment so much to me and i honestly can say that without him im a diffrent person… im still myself ont he outside for the most part but the inside has totally changed. i have no one to talk to and no one to pour out my heart to every night. something is missing in my heart and i think its him…
xo Anna

being friends with her… September 20, 2007

i know that its really hard to say this but i really dont think i can ever be friends with her again… maybe in the far future we can be okay friends but we will never be as good of friends as we used to be. i gave he another chance last time she did this and im not doing it a second time. i just cant do that, she had the choice between our friendship and a new boyfriend and obvioiously our friendship wasnt as important as i thought it was. yeah i know that i cant controll the fact that they like each other but thats the first rule of girl code… never go for your friends exboyfriend, esspecially when she still loves him!!! i believe in giving another chance to those who deserve it but not multiple times… i have too much respect for myself and i dont want to be friends with someone who says shes my friend but turns around and does something that they know damn well is the wrong thing to do… when they know that its gonna cause alot of drama between us. its not like im telling all of our friends not to be her friend theyre making that decision on their own… i just told them that im not forgiving her and they should try and just forget the fact that me and her dont get along and move on.. just ignore it and ill work it out on my own… i know that im being kinda harsh buut if i forgive her no then she will think its okay to do this again to me or someone else… does anyone see my point or is it just stupid?

now what… September 17, 2007

sorry i havent written in a few days but i have some really really depressing news. so last thursday would have been one month since we had broken up… and i already was having the worst day of my life and when i had to find out that him and this girl were going out it made my day suck so much more… now i see him with this girl who was supposed to be one of my friends and i know that i should be happy for him and i know that i shouldnt care this much but i do… i care more than ever cause i still love him and i will for awhile, thats just how it is and im really trying to move on but i cant. ive tried everything, i took all the stuff that even somewhat reminded me of him and i packed it all up in box and put it away so i wouldnt be depressed when i was up in my room, i tell myself everyday that i dont need him, that i dont want him, that i am so hurt and its because of a boy who doesnt even have feelings for me anymore… but none of it works im still in love with him and i cant do anything about it… now im affraid that im gonna come to a problem later on in life and when someone who truely does love me tells me im not gonna believe them because i was hurt this bad now. i thought that this would never happen to me but i also never thought that i would fall in love with someone when i was fourteen years old either… i dont even know what to do with my emotions… homecoming is coming up and there are potential dates out there for me but the thing is i dont want to go with any of them cause im still stuck on someone whos moved on and left me for someone else… what should i do?
xo Anna

do i deserve the truth? September 13, 2007

i have this feeling in the pit of my stomache that they are secretly going out and theyre just keeping it from the rest of the school for my sake… so i dont get mad at her or upset and even more depressed… if this is true then why are they doing it this way? why do they think that lying to the rest of us is the right thing to do? i honestly want to just go up to them when theyre laughing their asses off one day and be like are you two going out… and if they hessitate then i have my answer and i can say you know what… i know you really are and if your just keeping it from me because you think ill be mad then your wrong it just makes things way worse… then just walk away and be done with both of them. i can seriously say that if they are keeping it a secret so me and her can still be friends then its really not worth it cause me and her will not be friends for awhile if ever again, i cant be friends with someone who hurts me this much after saying that theyre my friend and they understand what im going through… obviously that was a load of bull shit cause as soon as we ended that conversation she went for my exboyfriend, after i just poured my heart out to heR and told her i still loved him and would be very upset if they went out… now they think its okay to keep it a secret! like i would never find out!!! sure ill be nice to her and stuff but we will never be close ever again!!! i just dont understand why its okay too lie to me and then when i find out from someone else they have to confess and they look like liers! when that happens im just gonna have to laugh it off and say i knew it… im gonna come out being the better person and thats all that matters i guess thi is one of lifes really hard lessons… but whatever! any advice… anyone?
xo Anna