at last… October 24, 2007

i know its been awhile since ive written but ive made alot of new realizations in the past few weeks. ive realized that i can still be his friend, ive realized that he is still the person i once knew deep down and it might take awhile to find it all but its coming back, ive realized that im always gonna have feelings for him… ive also realized that i can date other people and still have fun. he was my first love and im never gonna forget him or the person he made me into. he impacted me more than any other person and i really appreciate him and respect him for the things hes done for me… he may have done somethings that i dont approve of through out the relationship but over all i can say the outcome of all those things ended in a good way. its been more than two months and ive pretty much moved on… i know that i will never ever forget but i have found someone that can make me happy now and maybe one day make me happier than he did. i will always love him even if its deep down and i dont show it anymore… every once in a while ill be around him and miss him alot all of a sudden but thats just the way love works… it stays with you or some part of you forever. i used to think that he was the only one for me and that i was gonna end up with him because he was the only one who could make me fully happy after my dad died. he helped me through and i wouldnt be the same with out him. he actually tought me how to cry and get my feelings out… now ive realized that there are alot of people out there that want to help me and there are alot of poeple out there who really care about me. ive gone through alot in my life already and its just the beginning. i know that theres alot ahead of me and i know that im gonna love again but i dont know when… i found this quote and i think it relates to me in alot of ways “you will never forget your first love. that’s what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensly because you don’t know any different. it’s best until its over. then you hurt like you’ve never been hurt before. Eventually you love again, but you love differently. You will love more carefully and more cautiously. Just know that there is so much more love waiting for you, but there will always only be one FIRST.” that quote describes everything that im feeling…
the thing with love is when you have a boyfriend he tells you he loves you and you say it back but niether of you really mean it at first… its just the beginning of a relationship niether of you are IN LOVE you just say it because thats where you eventually want to get… i thought moving on was gonna be the hardest part of all of this but it wasnt… it was accepting that he was gone and happy with another girl. im moving on and im becoming more and more of my old self and i keep telling myself that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, JUST LET GOD GUIDE YOU.

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