i know its been awhile since ive written but ive made alot of new realizations in the past few weeks. ive realized that i can still be his friend, ive realized that he is still the person i once knew deep down and it might take awhile to find it all but its coming back, ive realized that im always gonna have feelings for him… ive also realized that i can date other people and still have fun. he was my first love and im never gonna forget him or the person he made me into. he impacted me more than any other person and i really appreciate him and respect him for the things hes done for me… he may have done somethings that i dont approve of through out the relationship but over all i can say the outcome of all those things ended in a good way. its been more than two months and ive pretty much moved on… i know that i will never ever forget but i have found someone that can make me happy now and maybe one day make me happier than he did. i will always love him even if its deep down and i dont show it anymore… every once in a while ill be around him and miss him alot all of a sudden but thats just the way love works… it stays with you or some part of you forever. i used to think that he was the only one for me and that i was gonna end up with him because he was the only one who could make me fully happy after my dad died. he helped me through and i wouldnt be the same with out him. he actually tought me how to cry and get my feelings out… now ive realized that there are alot of people out there that want to help me and there are alot of poeple out there who really care about me. ive gone through alot in my life already and its just the beginning. i know that theres alot ahead of me and i know that im gonna love again but i dont know when… i found this quote and i think it relates to me in alot of ways “you will never forget your first love. that’s what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensly because you don’t know any different. it’s best until its over. then you hurt like you’ve never been hurt before. Eventually you love again, but you love differently. You will love more carefully and more cautiously. Just know that there is so much more love waiting for you, but there will always only be one FIRST.” that quote describes everything that im feeling…
the thing with love is when you have a boyfriend he tells you he loves you and you say it back but niether of you really mean it at first… its just the beginning of a relationship niether of you are IN LOVE you just say it because thats where you eventually want to get… i thought moving on was gonna be the hardest part of all of this but it wasnt… it was accepting that he was gone and happy with another girl. im moving on and im becoming more and more of my old self and i keep telling myself that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, JUST LET GOD GUIDE YOU.
at last… October 24, 2007
being the better person… October 5, 2007
Being the better person is so much harder than you think… so this week ive told both of them that i do forgive them but i cant be their friend right now and they have to respect that… i made this decision because in church on sunday they were preaching to us and talking about forgivness and i felt like God was trying to tell me something. i took it ot heart and decided that to be happy i had to forgive so thats what i did.. i forgave and i dont get anything back… not even im sorry too! so i just walked away because i knew i just did the right thing and im the better person. i was thinking today and remember when i said i was holding on to something but i dont know what it is because i dont like him and i dont want him back but im still in love with him… well i figured out what im holding on to. Im holding on to the old Vijay, the one who cared about everyone and never would have thought to be mean… when he was friends with anyone not just the people who will make his status come up and make him more popular. now the only thing that matters is popularity and who can make him be more and more popular… im not trying to sound like a bitch but the vijay that i fell in love with wasnt this cocky and mean… hes using people for their own social status and when theyve done as much as they can for him he leaves them and moves up on the list. i realized that im definatly not in love with the new vijay but the old one is still on my mind and i think the reason i still am in love with him is because i know the old vijay who didnt are what the hell he was wearing or what other peole said about him and who he hangs out with… the one who LOVED me for who i am on the inside not what was just on the outside… thats not him anymore and i think the reason that im mad a HER is because she likes him for the new Vijay not the one i once knew… he doesnt realize that everyone is catching on to his little game and people are starting to realize what i have… hes changed! well i guess realizing this was a good thing because i dont want him anymore cause i know that he has no intentions of going back to what he used to be… hes popular and thats what he thinks is gonna help him the rest of life… oh well!
