forgiveness… September 30, 2007

as i was sitting in church today being preached to about forgiveness i started thinking about my situation and how i havent forgiven him for all the pain and suffering he put me through. i decided that to be happy i have to forgive and for me to forgive will be really hard but i feel like its what God was trying to tell me as i was sitting there thinking and praying. so i decided to text him and tell him that i was going tp forgive him for hurting me and that i hope one day we will be able to fill that friendship that was so important to both of us again. i havent gotten a text back and i probably wont but he needed to know that even though i dont want him back i still really care for him and i dont want to lose our friendship. he has impacted my life more than anyone else in this world and now that hes gone i have no one to talk to and no one to cry to… maybe ill find someone to fill that friendship or maybe him and i will become that again one day but i needed to let him know that he is forgiven and i care about him still. everyone deserves a second chance and i guess this is his…
xo Anna

seeimg him and her together… September 30, 2007

so i went to this concert tonight with a bunch of my friends and it was in this neighborhood and i had heard from people that he was gonna be there and he was bringing her… so i was prepared for that and i decided to just go anyway because i needed to show him that i can have fun when im not with him and he needed to know that seeing him with her doesnt make me jealous… it just pisses me off because he thinks that. soo anyway they show up and i go and see his family because im still really close to them… and there they are hugging and being all over each other… i know that i shouldnt care if theyre together but i have to admit… i may not like him anymore but im still in love with him. he was perfect. i dont know what im gonna do right now but im trying to move on. im trying to let him have his space. i just wish that was me instead of her but its not and i cant do anything about it… i just have to go to school and pretend that everythings okay, that i dont care if hes off with some other girl… when really it kills me to even look at them. im so confused with everything… i wonder everynight if he’ll ever come back or if him and i will ever love each other agan or if we wont be friends ever again… so many questions are going through my mind… someone give me advice…i need it!
xo Anna

being done… September 27, 2007

so i wrote him this five and a half page note because for church we had to think of seven people who had impacted our lives the most and tell them and i didnt think i could say it in person so i wrote it to him… i went to his house and gave it to him. i told him what it was and that it meant alot to me. then as i was leaving i texted him and asked him to please call me after he read it so we could talk about it and so it wouldnt be awkward at school and he doesnt have the nerve to call me and be polite to me… at this point i was thinking about just totally being done with him… then when his friend told me that he got on the bus and said that the note was filled with i love you and i want you back i flipped becasue that is the biggest lie ever… the note said that i still loved him but i was moving on and it said that i missed him sometimes but it never ever said one word about me wanting him back… obviously he didnt get the point of the note because he doesnt care about the rest of what i said… about how he impacted my life… now that i think more and more about it i dont want him back after he has treated me like this… i hope that someone lets him know that i dont want him back and that im done being nice to him because hes not being nice to me hes not even respecting the fact that im hurting… i cant do this anymore i cant be the one always getting hurt… i dont think theres even a chance that i would take him back becasue as soon as he comes back and i accept it he’ll tell me that hes changed and hes not gonna treat me like that ever again… that he’s learned form his mistakes and knowing me i would take him back so im telling myself from the start that i dont want him back….ive learned for my past experiences not to trusta aguy when he says that hes changed… thats some advice that im gonna give to all girls… dont always trust guys when they say theyve changed and if you do end up believing them dont jump right back into things… i did both and im not doing it again!!!! trust is really important in all relationships and when guys screw up they should know that heir chances of being trusted by other girs are fadding away… girls will stick together and listen to each others storries about how guys hurt them. girls talk and things get around so f i were a guy i would just try to be honest and dont sya youve changed when you know you really havent!
xo Anna

my theory… September 24, 2007

i have this close friend and the other day we were talking about my situation and we came up with this theory. the theory states that every person in your life that you ever meet or talk to is another piece to your puzzle… and everyone has their own puzzle of life… you know when your doing a puzzle and you finish but theres that one piece thats missing and you have no idea where it could have went. thats me im missing a piece to my puzzle… sometimes you find the piece that your missing again or you find a replacement but you will eventually complete your puzzle. you see ive been thinking alot about what we came up with and it maks so much sense to me now… people come and go and so do those memories of those people. my puzzle wont be completed until i find that piece that i dont really need just want to make me happy. i will find that piece that doesnt nessisarily complete me but it makes the puzzle all fit together…

moving on… September 24, 2007

i think im finally starting to move away from the fact that were done… i think im starting to realize that maybe he did mean it when he told me he loved me, or maybe he really just needed a break from me and all the problems i bring with me… i know deep in the back of my mind that im still waiting for him, its probably a really stupid thing to do cause i know that you should never wait on something that has a chance it might not ever come back…i keep telling myself not to wait on him, i keep telling myself that hes not worth waiting on if he hasnt already realized what hes missing but theres that thing that me and him had that i just cant give up… theres something that im holding on to and i dont really know what it is but i cant give it up. im moving on away from him for awhile and i guess whatever is supposed to happen will happen. if i was ment to be with him then we will eventually get back together but now is not that time… i will date other people and i will probably be really happy with who ever im with but in the back of my mind im still waiting for that THING to return to me and knock me off my feet. i think the reason im waiting is because i know that when hes ready to be serious again he’ll come back to me and we’ll be happy… its just a matter of time and having to date other people in that time. while im dating other people i could totally just forget what me and him had and fall in love with someone else but theres something stopping me from doing that but i havent figured out what that is yet or how to get rid of it. people keep telling me that i dont need him and that i can live without him and theyre right i dont need him and i can live without him but its me having to believe that and right now im trying to let go but i cant… he ment so much to me and i honestly can say that without him im a diffrent person… im still myself ont he outside for the most part but the inside has totally changed. i have no one to talk to and no one to pour out my heart to every night. something is missing in my heart and i think its him…
xo Anna

being friends with her… September 20, 2007

i know that its really hard to say this but i really dont think i can ever be friends with her again… maybe in the far future we can be okay friends but we will never be as good of friends as we used to be. i gave he another chance last time she did this and im not doing it a second time. i just cant do that, she had the choice between our friendship and a new boyfriend and obvioiously our friendship wasnt as important as i thought it was. yeah i know that i cant controll the fact that they like each other but thats the first rule of girl code… never go for your friends exboyfriend, esspecially when she still loves him!!! i believe in giving another chance to those who deserve it but not multiple times… i have too much respect for myself and i dont want to be friends with someone who says shes my friend but turns around and does something that they know damn well is the wrong thing to do… when they know that its gonna cause alot of drama between us. its not like im telling all of our friends not to be her friend theyre making that decision on their own… i just told them that im not forgiving her and they should try and just forget the fact that me and her dont get along and move on.. just ignore it and ill work it out on my own… i know that im being kinda harsh buut if i forgive her no then she will think its okay to do this again to me or someone else… does anyone see my point or is it just stupid?

now what… September 17, 2007

sorry i havent written in a few days but i have some really really depressing news. so last thursday would have been one month since we had broken up… and i already was having the worst day of my life and when i had to find out that him and this girl were going out it made my day suck so much more… now i see him with this girl who was supposed to be one of my friends and i know that i should be happy for him and i know that i shouldnt care this much but i do… i care more than ever cause i still love him and i will for awhile, thats just how it is and im really trying to move on but i cant. ive tried everything, i took all the stuff that even somewhat reminded me of him and i packed it all up in box and put it away so i wouldnt be depressed when i was up in my room, i tell myself everyday that i dont need him, that i dont want him, that i am so hurt and its because of a boy who doesnt even have feelings for me anymore… but none of it works im still in love with him and i cant do anything about it… now im affraid that im gonna come to a problem later on in life and when someone who truely does love me tells me im not gonna believe them because i was hurt this bad now. i thought that this would never happen to me but i also never thought that i would fall in love with someone when i was fourteen years old either… i dont even know what to do with my emotions… homecoming is coming up and there are potential dates out there for me but the thing is i dont want to go with any of them cause im still stuck on someone whos moved on and left me for someone else… what should i do?
xo Anna

do i deserve the truth? September 13, 2007

i have this feeling in the pit of my stomache that they are secretly going out and theyre just keeping it from the rest of the school for my sake… so i dont get mad at her or upset and even more depressed… if this is true then why are they doing it this way? why do they think that lying to the rest of us is the right thing to do? i honestly want to just go up to them when theyre laughing their asses off one day and be like are you two going out… and if they hessitate then i have my answer and i can say you know what… i know you really are and if your just keeping it from me because you think ill be mad then your wrong it just makes things way worse… then just walk away and be done with both of them. i can seriously say that if they are keeping it a secret so me and her can still be friends then its really not worth it cause me and her will not be friends for awhile if ever again, i cant be friends with someone who hurts me this much after saying that theyre my friend and they understand what im going through… obviously that was a load of bull shit cause as soon as we ended that conversation she went for my exboyfriend, after i just poured my heart out to heR and told her i still loved him and would be very upset if they went out… now they think its okay to keep it a secret! like i would never find out!!! sure ill be nice to her and stuff but we will never be close ever again!!! i just dont understand why its okay too lie to me and then when i find out from someone else they have to confess and they look like liers! when that happens im just gonna have to laugh it off and say i knew it… im gonna come out being the better person and thats all that matters i guess thi is one of lifes really hard lessons… but whatever! any advice… anyone?
xo Anna

… i dont know what to say September 10, 2007

yesterday was one of the hardest days in this whole big mess… first i apologize to him because i blew up on him last weekend. i say “look im sorry for blowing up on you the other day its just hard for me after two years to just pick up and forget everything that we ever went through. i thought i would give you your space and give myself time to get over you. i honestly thought that if you had space and time there would still be a chance for us but i guess now im realizing theres not.” then you know what he has to say to that? ” its cool but no chance sorry” i could have cried right then and there but i was with my mom and i couldnt let her know how upset i was. i said “i know ive realized that. your totally over me and im just a pathetic loser who thinks that she still has a chance with her exboyfriend…” i was crushed. then i tried to take my mind off of it and went to hang out with my friends… it was actually kinda working until i get a call from my friend who went to the movies… guess who she ran into? HIM with HER… on a date… i guess thats just the way its supposed to be. im suffering here and hes moving on to one of my supposal friends. that just kills me and i cant help but think why he would ever do that to me after all we went through all the hard times we had to work out. i offically lost all hope for ever being happy. i cant be happy when im not with him… i cant do it. why do i have to realize that he was probably lying to me when he told me he loved me all those times… its like it was just routine for him…i cant help but think that we arent ment to be with each other cause i know we are. i think we were put with each other because we could help each other through all those sad times when you just needed to cry with someone and if my thinking is right then why are we going through all of this? i know that im not done needing help and i now for a fact that hes not…yes i knew we were going to break up but i didnt think it would be this soon or i would be this unhappy when it happened. i thought we would decide together so we could date other people and make sure we were ment to be with each other… not the way this happened. when you love someone you cant just stop in a matter of weeks it takes time to fall in and out of love. it took me two years to be totally in love and now im not even supposed to love this person cause when you love your supposed to be with another person not alone waiting for that person to come back or leave you hanging for the rest of time… on thursday it will have been a month since we broke up and that day will probably be one of the hardest…! i have so many questions to ask him and if i ever get a chance to that will make things so much better. i want to now all the reasons he really broke up with me… maybe it got too serious… but if that is true then why did he pressure me to get that serious… he always wanted me to be more into the relationship, he wanted me to put him first, he wanted to be the one for me and he always told me that and when it eventually got that way he turned around and changed his mind… if he didnt want to be serious anymore then why didnt he just tell me that? why did he make me suffer so much? if all of that is true then why did he tell me he just didnt love me anymore instead of the truth? why? why? why? if anyone has advice for me please give it cause im soo confused!!!
xo Anna

am i really done…? September 2, 2007

do i need to be over him… has he moved on… does he think about me like i think about him…does he miss me… does he want to ever be with me again… right now i think the answers to those questions are better unanswered… i wish he would just see that its so hard for me to make my love go away. i miss him more than anything on this planet but i cant have him… he doesnt want me and i dont want to be in a relationship with someone thats not happy. i miss him… i miss his family… they were like my second home, the ones that i love like i love my real family. i dont want to just forget all of that and leave them.. i want to be with them and have a good time like we used to. as soon as i fell in love with them it seems like i had to let them all go. i dont want to do that and im gonna stay as attached as i want to. he cant stop me from loving them… he cant stop me from loving him. he wants me to get over him but its not as easy as it seems… it took two years for me to get that way and im not just leaving it behind as fast as he has. people fall out of love and i have realized that but i dont understand how it can go in a week. someone please explain to me.