today just plan old sucked. i sit in school and think about him… i cant do my work and if im not thinking about what i should do im thinking about how he wasnt happy and i cant get over that fact. he loved me one week and then the next he doesnt then the next hes going for one of my friends or atleast i thought she was my friend… we were so happy or atleast i was and he came off as happy… my friends keep telling me i need to get over him and move on but i just cant its soo hard when i loved him soo much. things just keep geting complicated and i see him with all of his friends and it makes me think that i could be there but instead hed just rather be friends… i just want to know how the hell you go from being insanely in love to being just friends in a week time span. it just doesnt make any sense to me. he just wants to be friends after all weve been through? i feel like he wanted me out of his life so fast and now that ive gone through all the pain and sufferage over a boy im taking myself out for a while and if he ever realizes he still lovs me deep down the ill put myself back in there… its so hard, im so close with his family and as soon as they all fell in love with me too he had to end things… i cant just forget all those people who have had sucha strong impact on my life who have helped me through some of the hartdest times in my life, if he thinks im gonna take myself out of their lives too hes wrong. i love them just as much as i love my own family and he cant take that away… im so pathetic it really kinda sad. hes moving on why the hell cant i? i guess what evers right will come my way…
xo Anna
:( August 31, 2007
i cant concentrate… August 29, 2007
im slowly trying to forget everything for the time being. i think he needs his space and i think i need to see who else is out there… the hardest part of saying good bye is when you dont want to but the other person does… when you realize its time you dont want to face the facts and just give it up, you think you can try and make him fall back in love with you.. you cant, you cant make someone feel diffrently about you, you cant make someone turn back after thet’ve made the decision to leave, you cant make someone love you when they just dont anymore… this is my problem, i think i can do all of those things, i think i can make that big of a change and i guess now when im having to give all of this up it hurts. i cant concentrate in school i cant listen to what people are saying to me because im daydreaming about him or thinking of what i could have possibly done better or just plan old thinking of him. i have to see him with another girl, laughing and talking like they dont even notice that im right there… being torchered on the inside. is this really what God wanted for me… to be unhappy. the only time i was actually happy enough to get through the day was when i was with him or we were saying how muh we loved each other. i just dont have anything to be happy for anymore… sure i have friends that make me happy but its a diffrent happy.. a happy that makes you smile on the inside a happy that only the people in love can understand. im gonna try my best and jusut understand what hes thinking maybe he realized im just not who he thought i was.. the only problem is dont you think after two years you would have alread gone through this problem? i dont know anymore… im depressed and dont know what to do… i just want to make him realize how much i cared about him and how much i miss him… he just doesnt know how hard it is to let it all go this easily.
xo Anna
am i waiting…? August 25, 2007
another week has passed and i keep telling myself that ive gotta be done with him for now but, i cant just stop loveing someone in two weeks, i cant just leave everything that ive worked on for the past four months and just give it up. im gonna keep telling myself that he doesnt love me and im gonna believe it on the outside but on the inside im gonna know that deep down i still love him so much. ive come to the conclusion that maybe he was scared… he was always the serious one and i think that when i became that serious too it freaked him out. i know there were other reasons but i think that thats true and he doesnt want to admit it to me or anyone else. being friends is harder than you think… i think about him and what we had with each other more than i should… hes moved on theres no feelings left in him for me and i want to think to myself that one day we will be happy with each other again. when i see him hugging other girls and walking right past me at school and not saying one word it kills me inside more than anything in this world. people keep telling me that i need to move on and try out other people but when you have feelings for someone that greatly you dont think you should. i know i need to i just cant right now. people keep coming up to me and asking how me and my boyfriend are and i have to keep correcting them and telling them that we broke up… that it wasnt working out between us. i guess you dont ever realize what you had until its gone. he told me that i changed and i keep running that through my mind… i have… for the worse. i was too caught up in my own life and how i was trying to just foreget all the bad things that have happened… while i was doing that the person i loved was drifting away and as soon as i turned around to fix it he was already long gone. i have to come to school every day and try to pretend that nothings wrong… be the best i can be and to see him with someone else makes it ten times worse. i didnt make this to make him feel sorry for me and i didnt make this so he would get back together with me i made it because at school i cant show what im feeling and i hate to mope and complain to all of my friends so this is my way of getting all of it out. ive thought so much on what he told me how ive changed and i have i really see what he was saying now. im not really happy, something was missing from my life and now three things are missing… my daddy, the person i love, and my best friend. peoples minds change and i know people fall out of love and i undestand that but when someone tells you atleast ten times aday you think its real. when you realize it wasnt you think what could i have done better what could i have done to make him love me more what could i have done to make things work between us… nothing people fall from love and i guess that what happened between us. i hope that he can realize he really does love me but that wont be happening for areally long time. its just me having to believe it. saying good bye is the hardest thing that life can throw at you and if this wasnt part of my life plan then i wouldnt be in this state of mind… i wouldnt be thinking about him ten times aday and how he just wasnt happy with me and what ever i did to make him realize that was really a mistake. people come into your life for many reasons. i think we were put with each other to help each other through all the bad times that were happening… it takes two to love and im gonna wait for that love to return to me as long as it take. im gonna have to date other people and maybe i will fall in love with someone else but if i dont then i know what we had was real…
xo Anna
people come and go… August 22, 2007
people come and go in your life… some leave without saying goodbye… some say goodbye so harshly you dont even want to be around them anymore… some just say goodbye because they think its for the better. the ones who stay in your life are there for a reason. to help you or to make footprints on your heart or to teach you how to be a petter person, who ever’s in your life is there for a reason and they will stay for as long as you let that reason show. ive realizeed alot in the past week and a half… who my friends really are, who will stay with me when im down, who really cares about me and whos just pretending. ive also realized some not so good things like… who thinks it funny that i made this blog or whos not mature enough to care if they hurt anyone, whos changed. everyone changes in life and peoples minds change too but when peoples changes hurt you or they arent for the better it leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth. i know this sounds mean but i know people like that who i thought cared but was just in it for the ride… i dont even know what to say to those people who pretty much just want me out of their lives. if they want me out that bad then they should just say it to my face instead of pushing me down when they know damn well im not in the mood or shutting me more and more out of their lives. i dont understand why people just wont just say it to your face they have to hurt you and keep hurting you till you have enough and just get up and leave. when that happens you dont ever want to come back. so be careful of what your actions are because if you go too far then they may be done with you for forever!!!
xo Anna
what ive realized… August 22, 2007
people do stupid things… people may not mean to purposely hurt you, but when they do it just kills you inside. especially when that person is the one you love and thought cared about you. after they’ve broken your heart into a million pieces and then stepped on them to crush you more. what the hell are you supposed to do about their actions. they make their own choices on what they think is right, it may turn out to be the wrong choice in the end but, you cant controll them you cant spend your day thinking and trying to believe that they will realize what they’ve done to you the pain that they’ve put you through. it hurts you the most when your friends say that your setting your self up for another let down and you dont believe them… hes changed i promise you always say (the exact words that came from my mouth!) and then when they are right you knew you should have listened to the people who really care… the ones who really do love you and not just think it. im not just pointing my fingers at someone in particular im saying it to all the guys out there who have ever hurt or even made a girl cry over them… every girl has feelings. even if shes fat and ugly and entirely nerdy, or maybe shes mean and bullies people but every girl deserves to be loved by someone in ther life. love is a beautiful thing and i thought i had it once but now i dont even know whats real or whats not. all any girl ever wants is for someone to love her and care about her, someone to hold her while she cries, someone to listen to her when shes upset with what ever is going on in her life, someone who wants to be apart of their life and never let go, someone to think about when their having a bad day and when you think of that person all the sadness goes away for a few seconds. i know that because i thought i had experienced that but maybe it was me dreaming or imagining that thats really what was felt towards me. im taking into my understanding that everyone makes mistakes and nobodys perfect but when a any girl cries for days over a guy that has just torn her apart.. trust me maybe thats your way of realizing that hes not right for you… if hes hurt you so bad that you cant concentrate in school or listen to what your friends have to say when their talking to you but your just pretending to listen when your really thinking… how could i be so supid to let this happen to me.. how could i have let myself get this far and just tossed off a cliff in two seconds flat. no one deserves to be with someone that doesnt want to be with them… its just not fair. people change and good qualities come and go with that change, but you can try to stop those bad changes from happening. just be yourself not what other people want you too be… that alone will take you where your ment to be, to the people who care about you from whats on the inside, not your apperence. today has been a hard day for me and i have realized that people put others down when they are suffering themselves. talk to the ones you can trust it will get you farther than you think. i have learned that by putting others down it doent help you feel better so just dont do it. BE YOUR SELF!
xo Anna
can love wait for me…? August 21, 2007
can love wait for me? is there really someone out there for me to love and care for… i thought i had that with him but i guess he didnt see what i saw. it hurts when you realize that the person you love may not feel the same way about you. i know that twards the end he started to drift and i sould heave taken that into consideration but i didnt think anything of it. i thought he was just going through a rough time and he would be back to loving me on the same level soon. i guess if i had realized that he didnt love me as much as i loved him or as much as he came off too i wouldnt be in this sinking boat. maybe if i had talked to him more about the way he felt we would still be in love. i tried to talk to him i really did… about his problems i mean but he is so stubborn that he would just say id rather listen to you talk or you cry or you scream and complain about your mom. he didnt like to open up to anyone and we were working on that. i think that with all that was going on in both of our llives he just felt like out of repect he should listen to me, but i wanted to listen to him for a change every once in a while. i never really opened up to anyone else but him. i dont really like to talk to my family or my friends about my dad and all that i went through when he was sick. at first i just kept it all inside and just coped with what i could, eventually i could trust him enough not to judge me or i dont know what i was afraid of… im just not a talker when it comes to my dad. i felt like if you didnt know the situation it wasnt your place to find out or hear about it. i could finally talk and let my emotions out. i knew he was that person that i could just tell everything to and he would just listen. i lost that this past week i lost that trust and that confidence that i had when i was with him. he thinks that its still okay for me to talk about it all with him but things arent the same to me, he doesnt love me anymore and all my trust in him is just washed away. he meant so much to me and a im araid now… im really afriad. what should i do???
xo Anna
these say whats on my mind… August 20, 2007
I gotta say what’s on my mind.
Something about us, doesn’t seem right… these days.
Life keeps getting in the way.
Whenever we try,
somehow the plan is always rearranged.
It’s so hard to say,
but I gotta do what’s best for me.
You’ll be okay…
I’ve got to move on, and be who I am.
I just don’t belong here,
I hope you understand.
We might find our place in this world someday,
but at least for now,
I gotta go my own way.
Don’t wanna leave it all behind.
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time.
Another color turns to grey.
And it’s just too hard… to watch it all… slowly fade away.
-gabriella… high school musical
leaving him alone… August 20, 2007
after last night i dont think i should talk to him for awhile. give him his space and time to think things out. today at school he totally didnt even want to look at me and i know that its probably really awkward and stuff but he could at least give me a confident im sorry for all the trouble ive caused you smile… not even that just a slight half smile so i can be sure he wants to still be my friend and not just drop me off the cliff like he did. i dont want to get over him but i cant wait on him to figure out that he still loves me, if he even does. if he thinks that ill wait on him every time then he’ll think its okay to just break my heart and when he decides hes ready to be serious again ill just be there. thats not gonna happen i cant just be treated like shit and steped all over and then when he wants me he can just find me on the ground where he left me. i have to much respect for myself to let that happen. ive just never felt this way… its new. maybe we just werent for each other, we’ll find out. this is all part of lifes plan. i have to face the facts and try my hardest in school get on with my life. pay attention too my family and friends. i guess he’ll let me know what he wants when he figures it out. i love him and i will eventually get over this. i just cant take in the fact that a week ago he was soo in love with me and telling me how perfect were together and six days later decide that theres nothing left there for us. i asked him if there was any love left for me in his heart and he said he loves me like he loves all his other friends… just the same after a year and nine months that all i got out of this. “i love you like a friend right now and nothing more.” so im giving him time. im giving him space. i know that he will eventually read these and when he does i hope he realizes all the pain hes put me through.
thanks… xo Anna
how he really feels about me… August 20, 2007
well i talked to him tonight. we talked about everything. he doesnt love me anymore and i have to just respect that. i didnt think that in one week he could totally fall out of love and just love me like all of his other friends but i guess i was really wrong. he proved to me that that was possible. i coud tell just by lookng him in the that there was nothing there anymore. he had no regrets for what he did. there was a period that we just looked each other in the eyes and i knew that he felt nothing. nothing… of course i did, but im in love with him. ive realized that hes gonna take a while to get over and for me to try to move on is gonna take way more than i think i have time for. its gonna be a long while and if he realizes that he still loves me in that time that im still in love then we were ment to be if he doesnt then i know that hes not in Gods plans for me, or maybe he wll come back later on in life. im gonna take that path thats given to me and just live on the way it tells me to. everyday is a new one and one day i hope he does realize that what we had for the past year and nine months was that special. all i can say is im in love and thats that. thank you all again for your support.
xo Anna
really confused… August 19, 2007
i dont know what to do… he was supposed to come over and have dinner tonight so we could talk about everything in person and not be so awkward at school but in the middle of the day today he texts me and says that we cant have dinner because it would be too weird and stuff and i understand that… i need to talk to him in person and i dont know what to do. i called and left him a message saying we need to talk in person that i understand he doesnt want to come over and eat but for respect we should talk things out before we get to school. tyhen when i finally talked to him he sounded mad that i felt like we should talk. i dont want to fight and argue with him i just want to figue all of this out. if anyone has advce please give it… thank you all for listening it really helps to have someone elses opinion on things..
xo Anna
